They unleash those near-lethal silent ones (how the hell do they do that so quietly?), then give us guys the evil eye. Or emit those teensy tiny squeaks. Some can do both with their legs crossed! (now how the hell do they do THAT?) Women NEVER fart - they pass gas, toot; any number of politically correct euphemisms - BUT THEY DO NOT FART!! That's an affliction of the male race. And we're damn good at it. (I didn't know we raised Elephants! We don't, hon - that was just me.) And then comes "that look." "DID YOU JUST FART?" You stare in astonishment! How in hell can something that smart, that beautiful, that sexy, that mysterious, suddenly get so goddamn dumb? A thousand retorts spring up in your mind. An air horn beats them all. BRAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! The deck catches fire. birds fall dead from the sky, the sun disappears behind a toxic cloud.
"I may have, honey."
Beans traditionally get blamed. For years I wondered what a "Legume" was. Come to find out, it's nothing but a politically correct fucking bean!! I never had any problems with beans. Oh, I rattled a few windows, but never anything serious.BUT CHILI!
I don't know why chili hates me so bad. I sure love it!! It's the most personalized dish in the world - and everybody thinks theirs is the best in the world. I don't. I damn well know mine is! A bowl of MY chili, 5 or 10 drops or whatever you think your asshole can stand, of Tabasco Sauce, and I'm ready to fumigate entire counties two hours later without leaving my chair.
A brief word about Tabasco Sauce. Don't believe what the company says about it. It's basically nuclear fission in a bottle. It makes most anything better. I wrote ...."you think your asshole can stand" for a reason. Two drops is NOT gooder than one. That extra drop may mean the difference between a pleasurable eating experience or a meal of five gallons of water! Start small and work your way up. Your first shit after eating it, you'll never forget the song "Ring of fire." Promises and vows made while screaming and sobbing on the throne don't count. Watch out for "The Redneck Bidet Syndrome." That's nothing but fancyspeak for a high speed fart behind a slow moving poop, while on the throne.
A brief word about Tabasco Sauce. Don't believe what the company says about it. It's basically nuclear fission in a bottle. It makes most anything better. I wrote ...."you think your asshole can stand" for a reason. Two drops is NOT gooder than one. That extra drop may mean the difference between a pleasurable eating experience or a meal of five gallons of water! Start small and work your way up. Your first shit after eating it, you'll never forget the song "Ring of fire." Promises and vows made while screaming and sobbing on the throne don't count. Watch out for "The Redneck Bidet Syndrome." That's nothing but fancyspeak for a high speed fart behind a slow moving poop, while on the throne.
"They" have Childbirth; "We" have Tabasco Sauce. It all evens out.
2 comments:
It's always a good idea to have ice cream after eating spicy food. That way the next day when you are sitting on the reading stool in the library, you can holler, "Come on ice cream!!!"
are you crazy? I'm the queen of farts...
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