Male's Do; Women Don't

They unleash those near-lethal silent ones (how the hell do they do that so quietly?), then give us guys the evil eye. Or emit those teensy tiny squeaks. Some can do both with their legs crossed! (now how the hell do they do THAT?) Women NEVER fart - they pass gas, toot; any number of politically correct euphemisms - BUT THEY DO NOT FART!!

That's an affliction of the male race. And we're damn good at it. (I didn't know we raised Elephants! We don't, hon - that was just me.) And then comes "that look." "DID YOU JUST FART?" You stare in astonishment! How in hell can something that smart, that beautiful, that sexy, that mysterious, suddenly get so goddamn dumb? A thousand retorts spring up in your mind. An air horn beats them all. BRAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! The deck catches fire. birds fall dead from the sky, the sun disappears behind a toxic cloud.

"I may have, honey."

Beans traditionally get blamed. For years I wondered what a "Legume" was. Come to find out, it's nothing but a politically correct fucking bean!! I never had any problems with beans. Oh, I rattled a few windows, but never anything serious.

BUT CHILI!

I don't know why chili hates me so bad. I sure love it!! It's the most personalized dish in the world - and everybody thinks theirs is the best in the world. I don't. I damn well know mine is! A bowl of MY chili, 5 or 10 drops or whatever you think your asshole can stand, of Tabasco Sauce, and I'm ready to fumigate entire counties two hours later without leaving my chair.

A brief word about Tabasco Sauce. Don't believe what the company says about it. It's basically nuclear fission in a bottle. It makes most anything better. I wrote ...."you think your asshole can stand" for a reason. Two drops is NOT gooder than one. That extra drop may mean the difference between a pleasurable eating experience or a meal of five gallons of water! Start small and work your way up. Your first shit after eating it, you'll never forget the song "Ring of fire." Promises and vows made while screaming and sobbing on the throne don't count. Watch out for "The Redneck Bidet Syndrome." That's nothing but fancyspeak for a high speed fart behind a slow moving poop, while on the throne.

"They" have Childbirth; "We" have Tabasco Sauce. It all evens out.

Go To Sleep Honey:)

Be there a parent alive, at one time or another, didn't at least think........:)

Sunday Morning Ooowwww's

Sundays are eagerly looked forward to. I don't go to church (yes, I chose hell a long time ago. MUCH better class of people!), so Sunday's are a sleep way late; breakfast is whenever I get up; do what the fuck ever I want to, type days. Sunday attire is always undershorts only, and fuck anybody that knocks on the door. It IS my apartment. The best cure I've ever found for bible pounders is scratching my balls while they're yapping.

I use an RSS reader. I meant to check the weather, but clicked the reader by mistake Only four new posts showed. What the hell....the damn thing's already open...... The first post was the Fart Smucker, with this quote, on a SUNDAY no less!

........"Not all Conservatives are stupid people. But the vast majority of truly stupid people are Conservatives.."
Uh Huh.:)

Wouldn't ya know. next one that opens, ole woody's just bitch slappin' O'Bush somethin' awful! On a SUNDAY no less!

........We do not merely FEAR that he will hand the tatters of the social safety net over to those who want to destroy it, because he has ALREADY done that.
Uh Huh.:)

Damn rabble rousers. On a SUNDAY no less! I got up too early. I went back to bed.

Yellin' "Give 'em hell boys!!"

Sunday's just a ball scratchin' day anyway:)

The Perfect Republican

So Newt won SC. Who did you expect to win in a blood red jesus freak state – Ted Kennedy?:) Jesus freaks don't vote with their brains. They have none. The wheels are suddenly wobbling on the moron’s wagon per the pundits.

The GOP (thinks they) “own” a lot of things. Religion. Values. Morality. Marriage. Sex. The ten commandments. The one and only path to heaven (per the gospel of________). Some shit they made up themselves. Family Values. Wholesome (fill in your chosen word(s)). The way things should be (for everybody but themselves of course). Pretty impressive portfolio. Let’s put a few of these things to a fictional Newt & see how he might answer, based on what we know of him:

Religion. Got some!

Values. You mean the one’s that got me kicked out of Congress?

Marriage.HHHhhhhhhl.lkj klb l v,j Which one?

Sex. YES!!!

The ten commandments. There’s TEN of the goddamn things?!?!

Morality. Is that a new pizza topping?

There are two distinct groups of people. Those who LIVE those values (and more) in their daily lives;

Those who WEAR those values much like a fashion accessory.

Guess which category Newt, most of SC, and much of America, falls in?

Newt Gingrich is the personification of the GOP and jesus freaks.

My Theme Song

Posts

The reason I post so little is folks keep stealin' my thoughts. . .'er sumpin':P

Like this excellent rant. Give 'em hell, buddy!!

Tebow

I'm not ready to write him off as the QB of an NFL team just yet. Half an NFL season does not an NFL caliber QB make. Terry Bradshaw stunk up the league for one whole season. I would immediately fire the dumb ass Coach that threw a unprepared rookie in the fire. His unpreparedness speaks much more to extremely bad coaching than it does ro Tim Tebow.

Whatever else he lacks, (and it is a LOT!) the kid has shown guts and leadership ability, two qualities that can't be coached. I think he's either going to become a legend - or a legendary bust.

Tebow's five year contract with the Bronco's is worth about 33 Million. with 8 Million guaranteed money He played college ball at Florida. He is a Moron - er Mormon by choice. He has the obligatory webpage and foundation of course, as do a zillion other overpaid professional athletics. "Foundation" meaning tax shelter of course. Gotta hide that money somewhere!

He took over a nondescript 1-4 team and led them to the playoffs. Before you get too teary eyed, Denver "won" their division with a stellar 8-8 record. Tebow is noted for two things: 4th quarter comebacks...........and praying. He removes his helmet, kneels on one knee (always in a clear part of the field so the cameras can get a good shot) after scoring/winning, and presumably prays.

"Tebowing" it's called, and of course lesus freaks, being the dumb bastards they are, have copied it. (Hey everybody - look how religious I am. I can copy a Moron!) The media hype swirling around the Moron is typical MSM.

He pays all expenses for a family to attend all Bronco games. He visits terminally ill people of all ages. All the typical shit the PR people feeding off a dimwit sports multi-millionaire tell them to do.....nothing out of the ordinary by any means.

I have seen no proof "God" watches or cares about ANY sports. IF.....he does, the egotistical fucker can't wait an hour or two for his "thanks?" And why can't Tebow wait until he's alone and in private, to pray?

Because Tim Tebow is nothing but another grandstanding Jesus freak!

He better learn to read defenses quickly, stay in the pocket and throw passes accurately, or else for him, NFL will mean Not For Long. NFL QB's kneel to a knee to intentionally ground the ball - NOT to pray.

He would be better served to pray on his own time, and play like the professional he's supposed to be, on Bronco time

What's Worse?

Never making it to the Super Bowl...

Or getting there, then losing?

King Who?

Who the fuck is "King James" and why does he have "his version" of the Bible?

Has to be a earlier version of LeBron.:)

It's Just A Damn Piece Of Paper!

He’se’sHHHHHHHHHH right, you know.

So's This. All glued together.

When Did The Wheels Come Off "The Wagon"?

The one thing that all sides seem to agree on, is we (America) are in deep shit.....and it's getting deeper. Predictably, the blame game always says; "it's your fault!" Who the hell is "Your?"

I like to read stuff that makes me think, being the antiquated old fart I am. Try it sometime. Thinking I mean, not being an ole fart (that really sucks!).

It's not for everybody. It requires an IQ well above your bathwater temp; constant practice, more than a little mental discipline. and often times is a long, laborious process.

IOW, Republicans, go ask Mommy to tie a fresh bone to your neck, so the dogs will make you think they like you.

".....Well, the other day, amid musings on the Pledge(s) of Allegiance, I think I may have accidentally stumbled upon, if not the answer, then at least the date from which I think you can reliably date the recognizable configuration of the decline: July 11, 1954"..........

Pompous ole........ain't he?:) The post! Read the G.D. post!! The hell with him!:)

Thinking Material, imo. Dangerous activity.

Now what did they do with with that fucking coffee cup this time?:)

All In All.....

I'm probably gonna catch hell for this. In the best ole fart tradition........did you think you were telling somebody that gives a fuck?:)

She's a pretty good ole broad, imo. "She?" The Ole Broad in Texas, (PUT THAT GODDAMN BACON DOWN, OLE LADY!) of course. Dissenters, take it up with Texas.

Baking a half a ton of shit at a time, to give away God knows how many times a month, putting a kazillion pictures online with "self made" sub-titles....always at the West Haven nursing home giving shit away - and that's just the stuff we know about. With a heart bigger'n her tits (which I understand are BEEG!), y'all best not fuck with her precious goddamn cowgirls.

All us ole farts are kinda set in our ways, & at times can be a bit sassy & belligerent; if for no other reason than we can see our own demise on the horizon, and we plain don't give a fuck! Her? I think the only thing she never gave was a fuck about what happens next.:)


Just slow down a little, ya ole broad, & leave that damn bacon alone!!
WE want you around a long time.

pretty please?????

Lookie What The Cross Dressers Brought!

"Conservatives need someone who's fought for us," it continues. "Newt balanced the federal budget, reformed welfare, cut taxes and created 11 million new jobs. Newt will take on radical judges, and fight against abortion. Don't let the liberal Republican establishment pick our candidate. " (emphasis mine)

Not to mention enough wives, girlfriends and lovers to make Romney turn green.

Btw - what the hell is a liberal Republican?

Winner Go To The Party; Loser Go Home

8-7

vs
8-7



He with the most fuck-up's will watch "Playoff TV."

Christmas Eve

The air seems almost pregnant with anticipation. It's almost here! Kids set out cookies and milk for Santa, with the greatest of care. "Mommy, when does Santa come?" "Real, real late at night honey, after we've all gone to sleep."

Out in the kitchen, Mr. Santa has already found the cookies. He sniffs the milk to be sure it hasn't soured, then pours it back in the jug, leaving the dirty glass. Pouring a hot cup of coffee, he grabs the plate of cookies and heads for the living room. Taking his hand tools from behind the couch, he dumps them on the coffee table, then sips his coffee and munches a cookie. First things first.

Mrs. Santa appears in the room. "Those were for Santa" she says caustically. "Who the hell do you think we are?" "Share?"; and without waiting for an answer, she plops down beside him, grabs a cookie and dunks it in his coffee. They slurp and chew in silence. The plate is empty. "Got anymore of these?" "You've had enough. Time to go to work."

The Tradition Continues

What Is The "Spirit Of Chrstmas?"

Is it spending till our credit cards melt?
Hardly, I would think.

Is it fighting ever growing crowds in the stores?
Hardly, I would think.

Is it worrying yourself sick over the money you spent, knowing you'll never be able to cover that credit card bill?
Hardly, I would think.

Who told us we had to be "in the Christmas spirit", and why?

If "Jesus is the reason for the season", isn't he also responsible for the tremendous greed each "season" brings? Quoting a dear friend from an email w/o permission; "Jesus isn't the reason for the season and if you are a christian you should be celebrating your Christ all year long."

When does "the season" start? "Black Friday?" And "Jesus is the reason for the season" huh?

'Pose WE are "the reason for the season", be "the season" a funeral, a birthday or just a quiet dinner?

What say we quit being "shoehorned" "pigeonholed", and just be ourselves?

Nobody Else Can.:)

For God's Sake!!

7,000,000,000 And One: The "Do It For Me" Crowd Strikes Again

"The TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting’s” stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are expecting once again. Michelle Duggar reportedly announced in “Today” show Tuesday that she is expecting another child which will grow their family to 20 kids and two parents."
"The Duggars previously have said that they have left their family planning to God."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Bill Cosby

Well said, Mr. Cosby. Every fakeligion needs a few brood sows. Family planning. Pretty important stuff to leave to a Myth. But, what the hell? I buy lotto tickets. Liberals have unrealistic dreams too! Bet mine comes true before yours does. Which means you're gonna wait a looong time, cause my dream ain't got the proverbial snowball's chance in hell. The above is set in Arkansas, where it's rumored that the legal age of consent is said to be tied to the national IQ of fundamentalists, which I understand has risen waay up to almost four!

Fundamentalists rarely, if ever, can refute the message at hand, with even the faintest hint of intelligence, so they resort to attacking the messenger. So it is for this one. An avid follower since I started blogging in 2006; I should feel flattered. Turns out he was just looking for the starting line of the Human Race but never found it so he dropped out. Of the Human race. Too dumb to be a shark despite years of education, he whimpered "they set The Bar too high" so he went around it and became a Fundie instead. A dumb one, but I repeat myself. Witness this pic at the beginning of his never updated blog unless I, or my (now ex) wife meet with misfortune. Our Daughter was 11 days old the day this blog came to life. Say hello to a baby molesting Fundamentalist, Mr. Vic Landrum from traverse city, Michigan. If the odor rings a bell. . . . Hate is his game, a jesus freak is his name, "do it for me" his most frequent refrain. Just another Fundamentalist, IOW. Nothing special. Seen one piece of shit.....seen them all.

W e have some questions to answer. WE, as in ALL of us? Even the stupid fuckers trying to hide behind "god." What's it gonna be? WE have pretended our way into this mess. Nobody's gonna do it for any of us; this is where even Vicki comes out of the closet. Our future is waiting.

IS WE OR AIN'T WE?

Danservations

..One Blogger expresses Opinions..

There are no laxatives in this apartment. Don't need them. I have this picture printed in color and taped on the wall at eye level when I sit on the potty. It always works:

It scares the shit out of me every time!

If and when I die, I DO NOT want to go to Texas! Just give me a Emmons D10, 8 down, 4 up, with a couple kickers, two Millers by the back left leg, and a Peavey Session 400. If Nero could fiddle while Rome burned, I kin goddamn well pick while I go to hell.

I once took a simple, three chord melody (which I dearly love) verbatim from an old, old gospel tune, renamed it Dan’s Devil’s, sped it up a bit & just let that Big Emmons talk. It was a hit every where we went; our Manager thought I was a genius.:) I never did ‘fess up.

Buddy Emmons, Lloyd Green, and John Hughey are the three greatest pedal steel men who ever lived.

There are no “answers” to life; only personal choices we make as we go along. If there were answers, somebody would be selling cheat sheets.

A pet is Nature’s way of saying; “Lonely? Take one of these and lonely will vanish!!”

I’ll believe Corporations are people when I see Texas execute one!

Falling in Love is pretty simple – you go ass over teakettle whether you want to or not. I’m talking LOVE. Not lust, or "I’m getting older"…, or materialism. Just LOVE Falling OUT of Love…..that’s a little different. WE didn’t choose to fall IN Love; what the hell makes us think WE can fall out of Love? If you can meet some one new and forget the "old one", you were never in love. You were lying to them, and much worse; yourself.

I hate things that move faster than I can think. Thus my love/hate relationship with these (computers) goofy fuckers. Best term I’ve ever heard for them? “Confusers.”

If “Grandpa and Grandma” can buy a new computer and be sending emails with pictures and video’s in them a hour later, as the advertising would have us believe, they better have one hell of a computer smart kid beside them!

I have a penchant for nicknaming people (Yes, me and G.W) and things. A few: Windows 7; shitball 7. Romney; Shitonme. My car (Saturn); The Rollerskate. O’bama; O’Bush or Halfrican. Laptops; junktops. This one? You don’t want to know.:) G.W. Bush; The Texas Turd. (Gov.) Perry. Prayerlee or The Texas Turd II. The Right Wing; The Wrong Wing.

Occupy Wall Street and the 99%ers are essentially elephant hunting with BB guns. How do they expect to reform years of intentional law breaking by obeying the law and carrying goddamn signs? FUCK THE LAW!!! Start blowing shit up, Firebomb a few joints. Overturn a few cop cars (best when occupied).

This will be my last post, excepting possible very sporadic appearances. Yes yes I know; you’re heart broken. Hold down the clapping and cheering, will ya? There’s people trying to catch up on their sleep as they read this! As I feel unexpected tears welling up (or else I gotta pee really bad), I’ll just say it’s been MY privilege all these years to be called a blogger. I’m much more diverse and better educated because of you.

The Blogger.

Slowing Down; Looking Around

Health has slowed me from my now usual pace. So I took up reading. Your blogs. 130+ of them. There are some doozies out there! Right, left, the usual "what I've been doing", to the certainly unusual. All of them. Every time they write a new new post.. A few general, very unscientific observations:

We are a splintered bunch. Every interest seems to be represented - from aids to zits, literally.:) It has been a fantastic learning experience; good and occasionally not so good.

Religion: All flavors, with a few nut bags thrown in for entertainment. They all had a few things in common. They knew in advance who was headed for heaven or hell, and the path to follow to get there. Requests/efforts to get my email were endless. Membership of course was the safest way to avoid hell. "Christianity" (fundamentalism?) and "Catholicism" were the heavy hitters. with Catholicism offering the most variety by far. " Christianity" seemed equally divided in two groups: those who preached at me incessantly, and those who argued-with each other. I ran across some gawd awful pissing matches.

Politics: I took care to even out the blogs I read; LW and WW. Roughly 40 of each. The two sides pretty much mirror each other in style, i.e. links, quotes of others, videos, etc., with the LW taking a huge lead in self proclaimed "professional writers." The WW is focused like a laser beam; "Get O'Bush out by any means necessary", including sabotaging our economy, safety and health if necessary. Very few in the LW appear to realize the grave threat this "Kamikaze approach" poses. The LW focus? Keep O'Bush in; otherwise.....a floodlight?:) With Romney reinventing himself near daily; Perry continuing to shoot himself in the foot, the GO PEE primary has turned into a brawl. The LW seems to be losing the Indie vote, but then O'Bush isn't swinging back yet. I saw little evidence, if any, to heal the infamous "great divide." Both sides seem happy with the status quo, with the WW seeming to adopt a "my way or the highway" attitude.

Independents: Seem to be so tired of both sides, they could........???

Summary: My eyes hurt.

A Tongue Lashing

Like your Mom might give you when she sees you going way off the radar. Or even Grandma, when she doesn't think you're "flying right", as mine was so fond of saying. "Get your ducks in a row kid, or I'll line them up for you!" Mom never touched me except for a hug and kiss when she started, but by the end I was always crying. I hope they don't have computers in heaven, cause if Mom reads this blogger's post, I know what's coming....just sure as hell!:)

I don't know this blogger. They may be 20 or 2000. I have no idea. I do know they have a pair of balls, to write this:

What really makes me angry about this entire situation has very little to do with Corporations taking advantage of the middle class, and more to do with the middle class not accepting responsibility for their own demise.